Kunle was still in his office, three hours after closing hours. The only other person in the premises was the night guard who if asked, would rather be at home too. Kunle had actually finished all he had to work on, he just did not want to go home. Just two and a half years into marriage and he could not understand where things had gone wrong. It was one argument after another, raised voices, slammed doors and frequent tears… of course from Kemi. All he was asking for was, sex, trust and understanding.
Back at home, Kemi was on her third glass of wine. If Kunle desired, he could sleep in the office, she could care less. How hard could it be to spend time with one’s husband without it having to be sex time or time for the next football match? Besides, she did not trust his fidelity and was not ready to get any STI from him. What had happened to their marriage? All she was asking for was, communication, love and companionship.
And therein lies the problem. Both saw three different things as important in their marriage. Not like the six are not important on their own in any marriage. But, the truth is, we place priority on what we need and what we are ready to give. Kunle needed sex, trust and understanding from Kemi and he was ready to give her all that. But, Kemi’s needs were communication, love and companionship and even though she was willing to give Kunle all those, they were not his needs.
I conducted an online survey among 41 friends of mine, all un-married but some in relationships, age range of 17-30years (to my knowledge, none is up to 40) and from various parts of Nigerian and outside the country. These were their responses to the question, “what are the three most important ingredients in marriage?”
S/N SEX 1st 2nd 3rd
1. M sex communication money
2. M trust respect understanding
3. M love understanding prayer
4. F God love sacrifice
5. M God love trust
6. F love trust respect
7 M God communication commitment
8. F trust love patience
9. M love understanding appreciation
10. F love fellowship trust
11. F communication understanding sex
12.M love communication understanding
13. M God love trust
14. M God love trust
15. F God love friendship
16. F love trust friendship
17. M God openness humility
18. F God love friendship
19. M love trust friendship
20 M God communication companionshi
21. M love trust Faithfulness
22. F communication trust patience
23. F love trust money
24. F faithfulness love communication
25 M acceptance believe communication
26. F love communication faithfulness
27. M God love trust
28. M love communication faithfulness
29. F determination faithfulness love
30. M trust loyalty love
31. M love compatibility understanding
32. M love faithfulness trust
33. M communication love respect
34. M love trust faithfulness
35. M passion commitment sacrifice
36. F God communication love
37. F Love God trust
38. M communication sex money
39. M God money love
40. M communication respect romance
41. M love passion confidence
The survey had 15 females and 26 males.
Highest in the 1st category:
40% females and 38% males said ‘love’.
Highest in the 2nd category:
33% females and 19% males said ‘love’.
Highest in the 3rd category:
13% females and 19% males said ‘trust’.
So, in all of these, LOVE, COMMUNICATION and TRUST seem to be priority, with more females asking for love and more males asking for trust.
Oh. By the way, three people said sex; two males, 1st and 2nd category and one female who put it in the 3rd category. I wonder what that means.
#peo…I would have said, “God, love and honesty/trust”.