THE SURVEY.

Kunle was still in his office, three hours after closing hours. The only other person in the premises was the night guard who if asked, would rather be at home too. Kunle had actually finished all he had to work on, he just did not want to go home. Just two and a half years into marriage and he could not understand where things had gone wrong. It was one argument after another, raised voices, slammed doors and frequent tears… of course from Kemi. All he was asking for was, sex, trust and understanding.

Back at home, Kemi was on her third glass of wine. If Kunle desired, he could sleep in the office, she could care less. How hard could it be to spend time with one’s husband without it having to be sex time or time for the next football match? Besides, she did not trust his fidelity and was not ready to get any STI from him. What had happened to their marriage? All she was asking for was, communication, love and companionship.

And therein lies the problem. Both saw three different things as important in their marriage. Not like the six are not important on their own in any marriage. But, the truth is, we place priority on what we need and what we are ready to give. Kunle needed sex, trust and understanding from Kemi and he was ready to give her all that. But, Kemi’s needs were communication, love and companionship and even though she was willing to give Kunle all those, they were not his needs.

I conducted an online survey among 41 friends of mine, all un-married but some in relationships, age range of 17-30years (to my knowledge, none is up to 40) and from various parts of Nigerian and outside the country. These were their responses to the question, “what are the three most important ingredients in marriage?”

S/N SEX  1st       2nd                 3rd

1.     M    sex  communication money

2.    M    trust respect understanding

3.    M    love  understanding  prayer

4.    F    God   love    sacrifice

5.  M    God   love    trust

6.   F     love   trust  respect

7  M     God communication commitment

8.  F      trust  love  patience

9. M     love  understanding appreciation

10. F    love  fellowship  trust

11. F   communication understanding sex

12.M love communication understanding

13.  M  God  love trust

14. M  God  love  trust

15. F  God  love  friendship

16.   F  love  trust  friendship

17.  M  God  openness humility

18.  F  God  love  friendship

19. M  love  trust friendship

20 M God communication companionshi

21. M  love  trust  Faithfulness

22. F communication trust  patience

23.  F  love  trust money

24.  F faithfulness love communication

25  M acceptance believe communication

26.  F love communication faithfulness

27. M  God  love  trust

28.  M  love communication faithfulness

29. F  determination faithfulness love

30. M  trust  loyalty  love

31.  M love compatibility understanding

32. M  love  faithfulness  trust

33.  M  communication  love respect

34. M  love  trust faithfulness

35.  M passion  commitment  sacrifice

36. F  God  communication  love

37.  F  Love  God  trust

38.  M  communication sex  money

39.  M  God  money  love

40. M  communication  respect romance

41.  M  love  passion  confidence

 

The survey had 15 females and 26 males.

Highest in the 1st category:

*love =39%,

*God =29%

*communication =12%.

40% females and 38% males said ‘love’.

Highest in the 2nd category:

*love =24%

*communication/trust =17%

*understanding =7%.

33% females and 19% males said ‘love’.

Highest in the 3rd category:

*trust =17%

*communication/faithfulness/love =10%

*understanding/money =7%.

13% females and 19% males said ‘trust’.

So, in all of these, LOVE, COMMUNICATION and TRUST seem to be priority, with more females asking for love and more males asking for trust.

Oh. By the way, three people said sex; two males, 1st and 2nd category and one female who put it in the 3rd category. I wonder what that means.

#peo…I would have said, “God, love and honesty/trust”.