Why does NYSC even exist? I mean, what gangan is the purpose of its existence. If NYSC were a person, I’ll ask him,

“Have you read The Purpose Driven Life? Have you found out what God would have you achieve in your years of existence? If you were to be called to glory raenow, would you say your life has been useful? Has your life brought glory to God?


And this National Youth Servive Corps (for real, my keyboard put it as Coro first), has to be a ‘him’. A Yoruba demon to be precise, torí, kilode?


You’ve been wooing us, Nigerian youths, since 1973… Trying to get us in different languages, teasing us with all sorts of meals from different tribes and hoping that one day, we will, with enthusiasm and love in our hearts, answer “waa” to your “wee”.


Weewee ni. Atọ̀ọ́lé burúkú. (Terrible bedwetting fellow).


First and foremost, your approach is wrong, talmabout, how you want to show us the world through Nigeria’s eyes. Fam, Nigeria tí fọ́jú since long tipẹ́tipẹ́. (Nigeria has gone blind a long time ago).


Second and still foremost, he who will journey round the evil forest must be armed enough to the teeth and anus. Na my papa talk am. What measures of protection are there for us to travel between states? What plans are there to make our stay in these foreign parts of our fatherland as comfortable as possible? What exactly is your modus operandi?


Odikwa serious when that 9th of March, I entered and saw more than 150 bunks crammed into a tiny space and termed, “accommodation”. Ìkúnlẹ̀ abiyamo.


Egbami? Is it like they will still move out some bunks to create, erm, something I don’t know if dem people have heard about before… SPACE????


Or na this sardine method we go use for three weeks?


And then, sorry o, sorry, but, what’s with the soldiers? This your love language ehn, c’est intéressant… Très très intéressant. Pourquoi ? (It’s interesting… Very, very interesting. Why?)


DJ, please help me play this Jore song by Adekunle Gold and Kizz Daniel… “Wetin man go do, I’m in love and I mumu.” 

I don’t even know if this is the best introduction to my rejection of your love letter. I’ve considered paying you back in your own coin and using SAED method of straight five hours lecture on why you can’t win my heart. But, I forgot my bugle.




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