SCARED.

I watched ‘Stuck in Love’ recently. The scene with Loo and Sam  in the car really got to me. Especially when Sam was listening to ‘Between the Bars’ by Elliot Smith and she said, “I’m really scared right now”. That is the statement one makes when you know you are allowing yourself accept love, be drawn into that state you have always avoided.

* * * * * *

Seun was so against love and romance. She was not into all the mushy ‘I am in love’ thing most of her friends were into. She was not deprived of love, she was not raped and no, she had not experienced a breakup. She just did not see it.

But I loved her. 

I could not imagine why she kept pushing me away. It hurt. It broke me. There was a thick wall she had built around her and I was sad. I was going through her desk one day, looking for her note, when I stumbled on a rumpled sheet; 

” I am not letting you in

I will not bring down this wall

I could care so much about you and twould hurt

I could like you more than you can hold in

But not love. I don’t love

You hold so much love in you for me 

It is threatening to bring down the wall

It is ripping my curtain apart

Drawing you in, faster than I can keep you out

But I don’t love. Don’t make me…”

Seun had written my name at the end of the poem. Guys don’t cry but my eyes were misty. This Lady was fighting me so badly. And I wondered why. She was graduating in some months and I was still going to be  stuck in school for another session. What was I to do?

* * * * * *

Hello Femi, 

I know I hurt you when I left without even saying goodbye. I know cos I cried too. I was turning my back on the one guy that truly loved me enough to stay despite all my efforts to push him away. You were too persistent. 

Femi, why did you love me so much? How did you do it? I avoided you, I rejected your gifts, I put up a fight. A good one too. Yet…

I knew you were getting to me. A part of me that I never knew existed came to life. You brought so much with you and I panicked. I was scared. So scared. This was love in its purest form and I had nothing left to fight with. All my defences were crumbling and I needed to escape. I was not going to wait till I had to actually say no to your face again. Because I was not even sure I would be able to say no. 

I left. 

But you haunted me. Even when I cut you off totally. My heart was captured.

I am coming back now. My fight is fought and it is over. I surrender to your love. I love you and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Seun.

* * * * * *

The letter was delivered a day after she died.

I cried. This went beyond misty eyes. I lost her after all. Forever.

* * * * * *

I have never written based on a song before. But this ‘Between the Bars’ could not be ignored.

I know others like Seun. Very up close even. They are sweet and so easy to love. There are many people ready to love them. But they run. 

You can run away from love for many reasons and no one would blame you. But don’t keep running. Make up your mind to stop running and allow that scary concept capture you. It doesn’t hurt neither does it enslave. Love in its pure form is freedom and everything beautiful and worth it.

#peo